


Water-based lube

by pyropinkfish



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Allergic reaction, Comedy, Lube, M/M, Oral Sex, Rim job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 21:27:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2788337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyropinkfish/pseuds/pyropinkfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tucker's fed up with Felix, so he does what anyone would logically do, have sex with him. A shame it doesn't go according to plan. </p><p>--</p><p>Protectedbythepeacock on tumblr! :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	Water-based lube

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a joke headcanon I share with a couple friends that I wanted to write with Lolix, however due to the nature of their relationship, it wouldn't have worked out, so I thought, why not Tucker? 
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes! :( I wrote this at 2 am.

It was the heat of the moment (horrible song cliche intended) that brought Tucker to the breaking point. He just couldn't take it anymore. Felix was so god damn smug, the little prick thought just because he could catch a grenade and throw it back, that he was sooooo special. Well, tough. He wasn't that great. 

That's what Tucker told himself when he shoved the shorter boy in a storage unit, tugging their stupid helmets. That's what he continued to tell himself when he saw those brown eyes narrow into slits, tan skin, a messy black Mohawk with orange dyed in the tips, and god, so many piercings to slip his tongue through and playfully tug on in between rough kisses. Stupid, non special, completely lame, really hot Korean boy with hair perfect for grabbing on and a neck made to be bitten into. Sweet Jesus, this kid had to be younger than him, and he moaned as over dramatic as he spoke. 

Worse was how he loved the pain, those full lips begging for blood. Tucker wasn't so sure he could actually handle an actual sadomasochist, but it didn't stop him from pealing piece after piece of his armor off, tossing it across the hard concrete ground until they both stood against the cold wall in just their black under armor suits. 

A thing Tucker easily slid down off those slender arms, exposing, Christ, this kid would be the death of him, beautiful tribal tattoo work along his chest and arms, curving into a fox along the outside of his right thigh. The very leg Tucker lifted to peal the rest of the suit off. Felix kicked it in the corner and pushed his back into the wall so he could wrap his legs around Tucker's waist. 

It's funny, the entire time Felix had been running his damn mouth and Tucker had zoned him out completely while he dropped the younger on his ass, grinning at the hiss of pain. He further ignored him in favor of turning to his discarded chest piece, digging fir where he was supposed to keep extra ammo. Instead of ammo, he pulled out a condom and a little blue package of lube. 

As he tore the foil open with his teeth, Felix had his fingers in his ass, writhing in the chilled air. Tucker almost dropped the condom on the floor just looking at the beautiful arrogant bitch moaning like the cheap whore he was on his own fingers. God, he really shouldn't be this hard already. Tucker couldn't fish aside the fabric of his suit at the crotch fast enough to pull himself out. He eagerly pumped twice, then rolled the condom down his length, gritting his teeth at the cool slimy substance that coated the inside. 

Cock out and proud, he stepped back up to Felix and offered a hand as the boy took it and stood. The mischievous grin on his face made Tucker shove him into the wall and pull his legs up around him. He settled nicely in between his cheeks, thrusting shallow before Felix tossed his head back and groaned, scream-demanding he shove that "black dick in [him] now or so help [him] God." There were threats about where his knife would have a new customer human sheath. 

Tucker took it slow though, to pop the lube open and lean back enough to squeeze the contents over Felix's crack. Once it was empty, he used the newly freed hand to rub the liquid into his asshole, slipping fingers in with ease. In and out, his ass eagerly sucked them in and Felix moaned. That was until Felix started shifting, squirming, his moans no longer of joy but utter pain. 

"S-shit, Tucker, FUCK!" Felix screeched, trying to move away from the intrusion. Tucker leaned in, nipping at his collar bone, unaware of the problem at his own hands. 

"Damn baby, wait till it's me in you." He hummed, enjoying how Felix looked. His eyes screwed shut, lips pulled back into a grimace, eyebrows knotted like he was in pain. Shit. He hadn't even realized that Felix was writhing so bad from agony, not pleasure. 

Tucker pulled his hand away the second Felix let out a truly distressed wail. "Fuck! Fuck it burns. Holy shit it burns. What the fuck did you do to me? Oh GOD, make it fucking stop you asshole!" Felix cried as Tucker gently eased him on his feet, bending down to pick up the empty pack of lube. 

"Dude, why didn't you tell me you were allergic to this shit?" He snorted, piecing together the problem as Felix shifted on his back, using his discarded suit skin to wipe the goo off his ass and try to stop wailing at the intense burning. 

"Why the fuck did you use lube?!" He shouted. His face was more red than Sarge's armor and Tucker didn't think he would ever see tears in Felix's eyes. Seriously. Felix. 

"Because that's what normal people do with anal?" He responded dryly, growing disappointed as his erection flagged. Damn. So close to getting L.A.I.D. and his partner was allergic to the most common lube there fucking was! 

"Holy shit, go get me a god damn wash cloth, it's inside me, oh god, fuckfuckfuck." Tucker groaned tired of hearing him bitch, dropping to his knees. He tugged Felix by the leg and pulled his bottom half up to reach. Without hesitation the dark skinned man plunged his tongue in the annoying little psycho's ass, licking out the lube. He could taste the fevered skin chafe and dry out from the lube's irritation, and worked to soothe it. Besides, the stuff was cherry flavored, he couldn't waste that! 

Tucker grinned when he could hear the spine tingling noise of nails scratching on the floor, Felix's breath labored, and his moans of displeasure turning back into mind numbing feel good pleasure. His genuine thirst for pain mixed with pleasure had him coming down his stomach and chest, with the angle he was pulled into, it even splashed on his chin. His muscles clenched around Tucker's face, making him in response dig his nails into his thighs as he pulled back and licked at the start of the Korean's crack. 

Satisfied with how disheveled Felix ended up anyway, Tucker dropped his legs, watching them fall with no support to them. The shorter's breathing toned down to little pants visible in the cold air, and his eyes remained shut. "My asshole is still on fucking fire, you piece of shit." He grumbled. 

Tucker deadpanned as he pulled his worthless condom off and tossed it on Felix's thigh, making the other whimper the moment the coated lube on the condom touched his bare skin. The green soldier would have pitied him, if he wasn't such an arrogant piece of shit to begin with. 

"Have fun getting dressed, dude. Your shit has that lube all over it." Tucker placed a kiss on his knee and got up to tuck himself away and redress. As much as he would have loved burying his dick in that sweet ass, seeing Felix laying awkwardly, knees up, ass bright red from the irritation, and the look of utter exhaustion on his face was well than enough payback for Felix having embarrassed him in front of everyone else. 

So Tucker put his helmet on and took a screen-cap for proof of his success, before he left the storage unit and Felix on his own. 

\-- 

"Looooooocus. You piece of shiiiiit. My ass hurts." Felix whined for the ninetieth time that day. Apparently he felt it appropriate to radio the very busy, very unimpressed man with petty problems like the Sim Trooper using lube he was allergic to. Locus didn't have time to be as amused as he wanted to be, but trust him, he found it pretty damn funny underneath how annoyed he was that Felix was wasting time even trying to communicate with him. They had missions to accomplish, that didn't mean social hour. 

"Next time don't sleep around, you little slut, and these problems won't happen." Locus managed to hiss a reply when no one was around to hear him speak such bizarre words. He could hear the radio crackle and Felix let out a dramatic sigh. 

"Come fuck me with some lotion, my fucking asshole is literally chaffing." He persistently chose to whine. You know, maybe Locus underestimated these sim troopers. They were stupidly diabolical to leave him stuck with a whiney Felix. Locus made the note that he would kill Tucker last for this. 

\--

End

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews/kudos welcomed!


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